It's 11:45PM Malaysian time, and I've created this blog on a whim. It's 9 days before my flight (8, in 14 minutes now). I have not packed.
All I've done is cry these last few days. This is the sentence that has been on the forefront of my mind. A banal statement. A brag perhaps, though there is little about it to brag about. Like a bride on her wedding day, I'm getting cold feet - is this right? Should I have opted for a different programme? A different way to study abroad? No, I tell myself every time those thoughts resurface, because the tickets have been bought, I've (my parents have) paid thousands for my visa, and it's no time to chicken out, frankly.
I cry over my own thoughts rather than the realities I see before me. They say to make my mind a pretty place to live in because I spend most of my time in it - a challenge I consistently lose at. Eldest daughter guilt is real. Tiktoks about the reality of my parents aging fight to find me in my weakest hours. My sister likes to covertly remind me about how much she'll miss me. I have not finished watching Derry Girls with my brother. And yet here I am, on a one way ticket to the UK, on the precipice of being away for 3 years minimum.
On my better days, I think about the life I will lead - the journeys I will take, the opportunities that will present themselves to me, the ones I will grab by their balls, and most of all deep down, how much I've wanted all this - the chance to study abroad, to see the world for more than just within my country.
A little sad to think about how the bad thoughts have been plaguing my mind more than the good ones recently, and I think I'm starting to understand what my dad said about filtering the thoughts I should harbour with the ones I shouldn't in these days leading up to my departure. Perhaps I should think about the memories I will create, the dreams I shall fulfill and create even further, and the adventures I will embark upon.
How has this been for a mic test?
This blog will serve as my online and public journal. To find inner peace and regulate my thoughts on days like these - in hopes I lessen my tears. Or, if they persist, to make sense of them, and console myself.
And to you, fellow anak perantauan, should you come across my page - things start out hard and difficult in most great journeys. Is the Sun waiting for us on the other side? I suppose so. Take my hand - let's see.
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